It’s been a week since I presented the biggest work of my life.

– March 2023 –

It’s been a week since I presented the biggest work of my life. My new solo: Shree, and the large scale The Rite of Spring accompanied by the Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra on the Sadler’s Wells main stage.

I’m still in shock from how it all came together, and along with my exhaustion, I haven’t been able to compose the words for this post until now.

For the first time in my career I felt I did something seminal. Something that shifted our sector from deep within. That I hope will open more doors for more people. Something that brought even the naysayers together and brought tears to the eyes of grown men. ‘Life changing’, ‘mind blowing’, ‘a triumph’. These are some of the words of people I’ve never met who saw the work and reached out to me.

Art is subjective. Yet somehow there was something collective in the experience of last Monday and Tuesday that I could never have fathomed would be of my doing. A coming together of artists, a team, an audience, and something bigger I hope. It was a feeling, electric, as I sat in the crowd after the final dancer sacrificed themselves to the Chosen One, my breath held for an unending moment. And then joy that I couldn’t imagine I could feel.

This whole project, which has been growing since it’s inception in 2017, has been made possible by a tribe of powerful, diverse and incredible women.

There have been some brilliant men supporting me throughout this journey, in particular my best friend Julien Kottukapally, who has been there for me (and many others) every step of the way, and the creatives including warren letton, Wayne sables, Kirill Karabits and of course the unerring support and trust in me by the Chief Executive of the BSO, Dougie Scarfe.

However, I want to make it abundantly clear that this whole endeavour, and so many things leading up to it has been due to the work of women. Truly diverse women – socioeconomically, ethnically, culturally, with varying access needs, single mothers…. We have shown what magic can happen when given the chance to thrive, when given the opportunities we deserve.

However, we have also had to swim upstream. Defend ourselves against disrespect, patronising attitudes, gaslighting, abuse and more. And like Phoenixes we have risen to bring something amazing to people.

I have so many people to thank, and so much to be grateful for, so by no means is this post meant to diminish any of the joy and value of what has happened in the last few weeks and long before that.
But it would be remiss of me to not speak openly about the challenges faced in order to bring what we did to people last week.

As a woman of colour, even more is asked of me, and many members of my team, than many men and non global majority people will never have to experience.

More was asked of us than has been asked of from bigger more established companies and choreographers.

A team of diverse women, managing egos, being asked for more of everything, being spoken to with rudeness and disrespect.

As a woman of colour, my authority is always in question, often by men, sometimes without intent, but always without compassion, or true understanding of what it does to bring us down time and time again. It hurts my heart.

Yet we absorb it and continue to do what needs to be done. Because we strive for and fight for something better. Not only in words. But in actions and the way we live our lives. Even that is not good enough for some.

Of course we make mistakes. We are fallible as is everyone. This was something new. A huge undertaking never before been done at this scale by such a new company.
New for each one of us because we rarely if ever get these opportunities. We had to bring artists from all over the world together, with different experiences/expectations, backgrounds, visa issues, travel upheavals and more. The team was bigger than anything we’ve had to manage. We had to learn in a baptism of fire. We did our best.

I have been and am a freelance artist. I have fought and championed for better working conditions for dancers. I have challenged bad practise. And spoken truth to power in many situations of exploitation (often at the risk of my own well being).

As a Bharatanatyam dancer I come from a background of dance pedagogy that is a primed for and a hot bed of abuse. Emotional, psychological, and sometimes even physical.
We are told to shut up and never question. Just ‘submit’ to the art, which only means submitting to the teacher, a fallible human being like any other.
I chose to walk away from this, and that has allowed me to be the artist that I am today.

I have chosen to not teach dance in the traditional sense. I love sharing what knowledge I have, but I have no interest in being a ‘guru’. I have no interest in taking ownership of young hearts and minds trying to explore dance. I have no interest in having someone touching my feet in reverence. I only want to be shown respect. Mutual respect. As a human being.

It makes me sad to say this. I am of course very grateful for what I have learned, and all those who have genuinely supported me, but am also deeply scarred by those that have only had an interest in taking ownership of me, my hard work, my talent. Those who have despised my growth and successes. I am not a commodity. We are not commodities.

I have tried to lead by example. I have tried to cultivate fairness and good work ethic. To be different to those before me who have exploited and trodden us down. Those who have tried to reduce us to caricatures of Indian-ness, patronise, exotify and water us down to be more palatable.

As I embark on a new part of my journey as the artistic director of an npo (a regularly funded organisation and in a salaried role for the first time ever), I hope I can demonstrate a new way of being a leader. Someone that is respectful and respected. Someone that is allowed to be visionary and show that we can be better.

Resource is always limited, but I hope we can set a good example (especially to those million pound plus organisations who pay below equity rates, no childcare, no subsistence, etc) in how to work equitably and with integrity.

When I presented this work, and the work I have done in the past, it is not only the art I shared, it is myself, my politics, my struggle. Many don’t want to hear it. But I will never stop shouting as long as it needs to be heard.

Thank you: